Funny Writing Quotes and Stories

  We all need a good laugh every so often... So before I go into my whole killing characters, writing gory scenes, writing horror, and all my Halloween things, here's some funny humor!
  Not all of this will be funny to all people, but most (fiction) writers should get a kick out of it... Some short stories, some quotes I find on Google, but nothing that I don't personally find funny!

1. 

  My Sister: "Okay, so I'm doing a 30 day Halloween drawing challenge. So if you see pictures of my character gouging their eye out or something, don't worry." 

  Me: "Oh, don't worry about it." 

  Sister: "So you're not gonna think I'm crazy or something?" 

  Me: *looks up from writing the scene in my book where rats eat someone's intestines while they're alive and conscious* "Oh no, not at all." 

3. 

  *writes all day and gets stuck* 

  *spends hours trying to figure out what needs to happen* 

  *tries to go to bed... GOT IT!!* 

  *seriously regrets the fact that I share a room and can't stay up all night* 

  *forgets by morning* 

2. 

  Me: "Hey guess what! I'm revising that book I wrote a year ago that  you liked, it'll be like a totally new book and so much better!!" 

  Friend: "Wow, cool! Can I be in it? Can this character not die? Can I have a free copy when it's done? 

  Me: *having almost finished revising and having zero reason to add in another character, knowing full well that that character can't live because it destroys the plot, and having $0.45*  "Right... I'll see what I can do."  *while rolling my eyes because none of that has any chance of happening*

4. 

When you have more novel ideas, outlines, and maybe half-finished manuscripts than friends. 

5. 

I could insult anyone from the 1800s accurately. I could also insult anyone today and they'd have no idea what I mean, and then I can walk away laughing. Right, I mean, who knows the difference
between a vazey, fustilarian gnashnab and a murit old church bell? I do!


Thanks Jamie, I love the insults from your era.

6.

Being a dancer and a writer sucks. Because music is my inspiration for both.

7.

Anyone: "So what's your book about?"
Me: "Have a seat..."
*two hours later*
Anyone: *asleep*
Me: "...So now she's really messed up, and is trying to push everyone away, and - Oh, I'm probably giving away too spoilers, sorry! Or... Being boring... Okay."

8.

My sister: "Hey, let's look at funny stuff on Instagram!"

Me: "Okay, go get your tablet."

Sister: "No, it's dead, let's just use your laptop."

Me: "No! Let's get... Oh my tablet is dead too... Okay fine."

Me: *types I*

Search recommendation history: Insults from the 1800s

Sister: "Why were you looking up that? Hey I have an idea!" *grabs laptop* *types H*

Search recommendation history: How long does boom-slang snake venom take to kill you? How do you make someone unconscious with your hands? How much does someone bleed when you stab them in the stomach?

Sister: "Oh, wow. What are you doing?"

Me: "Maybe if you read my book you'd know."

9.

*listening so closely to how people talk that you forget what they're trying to tell you*

10.

Writer's Block: When your imaginary friends won't talk to you.

11.

Me: *having conversation with fictional character in real life to get used to how they talk and stuff*

*door opens*

Me: "I'm not talking to myself!"

Whoever came in: "Well... Who are you talking to?"

Me: "Sabrina and Jamie."

....: "Who??"

Me: "The main characters in my book, we were talking about how much of a bad experience flashbacks and hallucinations are."

.....: "....They aren't real, how are you having a conversation? And why would you know any of that stuff?"

Me: "How rude... You obviously aren't a writer, and obviously haven't been reading my book!"

12.

How do you irritate a writer? the list is to long too fit hear

13. 

If you hurt me or anyone I love... I know 5 ways to knock someone unconscious without a weapon, millions of countless ways to kill you, exactly how to avoid suspicion while perfectly framing your parents/bf/gf/friends, and if necessary how to make it look like you had a heart attack without drugs. It's for your own good when I say leave me alone. 

14. 

  In response to #13, that's all assuming I have the physical strength, balance, and accuracy to do what's needed. Which I know every detail of, but considering that my fingers and hands are the single used part of my body I don't know how successful I'll be. 

And that I wouldn't be tempted to taunt the cops to feel like my book characters. 

And that I mentally have what it takes, because I have more experience dealing with the after-effects of murder than carrying it out. 

So basically... Pretend I'm scarier than I am because I have knowledge. 

15. 

  If you're anything like me,  you like words more than numbers, which is exactly why you didn't notice that I switched 5 and 7. 

Did you just go check? Good. Because it was actually 2 and 3. 

Did you check again? Well congrats, that changed your whole life a lot. Numbers always do. Numbers are useless...